The following was originally submitted as part of an application for a small club. One stipulation of the application was to explain why I might be considered pathetic. The following account is true:
When I was in the 8th grade I decided to play the Clarinet because a cute girl in my English class played the saxophone. I thought that if I learned the Clarinet, I’d be in another class with her, (and with enough practice) I could write a song for her, and then sh could be my girlfriend. However no one told me that you had to play your instrument on the first day, by yourself, in front of the class. When my turn came up, I started sobbing uncontrollably because I hadn’t practiced, I couldn’t read sheet music, and the only thing I could make the instrument do was produce a horrible, god-awful, ear-piercing shriek. Halfway through the first measure, I dropped my Clarinet, wiped the snot and tears from my face, and ran into the “band room” where I locked myself in a dark trumpet closet until everyone had left class. Later, I found I was given the last chair, and the girl I had tried to impress started dating the new kid from Puerto Rico who played the saxaphone in Advanced Band.